i get the impression hes cheating, he doesnt care, he's just using me all the time, i want to die i keep cutting myself, save me

lately i feel suciaidal alot it sucks cock!

Well guess what? its about time i wrote about my life (before i go insane and need counciling)

I was born blue in january 1992 my umbilical cord was strangling me, sometimes these days with depression i wish id died well not quite but i do wonder about it.
my first memories are;

my lil sis being born i yelled "Put it back in mummys tummy put it back in mumys tummy!" thinking it (my sis) was somthing vital for my mum to live but it was actually just my little sis

my fith birhtday and going to nursery.

primary one i had a hunchback of nortedame school bag.

i was shy as a kid, i guess i still am. i kept myself to my self quite a bit

Ok so I’m not quite sober or happy this time its too petty. Argued with my mother (funny thing I only call her that when I’m angry). So I want to go down to Elgin on Saturday to get a dance dress I mentioned this to her and she says what about me? Well who knew she actually wanted to go shopping with me? I didn’t and she’s working then too! So I said she could if she wants to but she feels like a second thought. I got depressed when she said this 1 coz I’ve just done what everyone else did to me and 2 coz I needed my other personality to remind me of the bad things like how her dad and my brother went to the cinema when I also wanted to go but was working they could have taken me but it was too late and of how I use to have to keep a charismas tag saying love mum and dad to know they loved me so I drank a couple of bottles of poof juice to laugh it off but I keep crying. I know its dumb but I hate myself. If anyone e actually reads this tell me; am I crying over nothing PLEASE

Once you told me you're happy if I'm happy
Does that mean you're fucking miserable now?
I miss you so much.
I hate when you don't reply
I cant remember hen the last time you said my name.

do you see me
do you notice me
do you think of me

whats the use i cant find me in you
i can barely find myself in myself
do i give up do i fall down, no
do i carry on do i stay strong, no
i just linger where i stand
dont fail or fight
wait for an answer

Just a little rant!

Soo the other day i drove my friend to our martial arts class a few miles away.
im still learning but unlik eher i got behind the weel of a car for the first time when i turned 17.
she said i was ok when we stopped but another freind told me on saturday that she says stuff like she would never get in a car with me again (he! shes got it coming!she will eat those words)so im pissed off at her!
Also apparently it annoys me when she works with one of the boys in our MA class and i fancy him and i feel left out! I FUCKING DONT!(im sure she does(feel left out and fancy him!)) i think i get more attention than her and apparently fancey any guy with a pulse (she'd faint if she knew about the guy i do like(haha))
Weeeeeeell i cant slap her face like i wanna but i'll live for now!

slept in! habit!
school, not bad
lolz had piano, went to victoriana mum now hates the lady which owns it since shes a counciler who wanted the incinerator turns out she boycotts the place interesting!
Supper funny! jimbos leaving teh school so mcgregor is in change lolz says hes a pushovber lou says he can should lols laughs dad in a serious tone says "watch out" almost scalding her "He'll hit you with his hambag" (hes gay appaerntly)
was writing fun!

october 12 2008 it means lots to me
i think